The Girl Cave is thrilled to have guest blogger, Dr. Ashley Arn, writing for us this week! Dr. Arn is a Love & Relationship Expert and Co-Owner of Crucial Habits, with her husband Dr. Michael Arn. She specializes in helping people create habits that lead to lasting love, passion and happiness. Dr. Ashley works with clients one-on-one, over the phone, through group coaching, and is the author of multiple relationship programs including “Meet & Marry Mr. Right.”
I know a couple, Jack and Debbie. Jack is a Pediatrician and Debbie is a high level executive for a computer company. On paper they are a perfect match. They’re both attractive, smart, successful, and have pretty much the same values. They’re the kind of couple you look at and get jealous of because they seem like Ken and Barbie. They also have two kids, Dakota (age 2) and Huntington (age 4). They’re so cute you almost hate them.
But, guess what? Behind closed doors. They’re miserable together! They constantly argue, bicker and have zero fun together. In fact things have gotten so bad both Jack and Debbie have thought about the big D word. Divorce!! Jack has envisioned how much better his life would be if he was single again and wasn’t “always yelled at” when coming home from work. He imagines what it would be like to have someone ACTUALLY support him after a long day. Debbie has also imagined what her life would be like without Jack. She imagines finding her REAL SOULMATE Having someone who respects her and makes her FEEL SPECIAL.
Things weren’t always this way. Jack and Debbie were WILDLY IN LOVE with each other when they got married. They were so in love it actually sickened other people.
What went wrong?
Unfortunately we see this kind of thing happen all the time with couples, especially when both partners are professionals. Jack and Debbie changed over time from being lovers to being business partners. They forgot that the most important thing in their relationship and what sets it apart from all other relationships is love AND passion. Notice we said love AND passion. You have to have both. The sad thing is neither Jack or Debbie did anything terrible. Neither cheated or gambled away all their money. They made the most common mistake professional couples make, they stopped doing the little things that increase the love between them. They stopped focusing on doing things to improve the love between them and became stuck in constant problem solving mode. You might be saying “but isn’t problem solving and communicating about problems important in a relationship?”
Yes, being able to solve problems and communicate effectively is important, but it isn’t everything.
And being stuck in Problem solving mode is unromantic, business like and isn’t sexy. Have you ever heard a husband say “the way she thinks of ways to maximize our budget is so Hot. I just want to TEAR HER CLOTHES OFF every time she brings it up”. No way! Some of the couples we help ONLY talk about the problems they have. One or both partners become a professional problem solver……solely focusing on how fix their money problems , sex problems, parenting problems, busy schedules, family problems etc. Jack and Debbie both became stuck in problem solving mode. ALL of their conversations revolved around putting out fires and trying to solve problems.
All the love and passion disappeared the minute they became business partners instead of lovers.
Also, once you get stuck in problem solving mode you often find and create more problems. Remember, you will always find what you’re looking for.
So what should Jack and Debbie do?
They should set aside one, two or three times per week to sit down and solve their problems and treat these times almost like a business meeting. Maybe they’ll call them family meetings. Outside of their family meetings, they could set their problems aside and focus on increasing the love AND passion in their relationship. Most problems are not emergencies and can wait to be dealt with during one of your family meetings.
The #1 thing you can do is Create Habits That Increase the Love, Passion and Connection in your relationship.
When the love in your relationship decreases everything can seem like a problem. When you increase the love in your relationship some problems dissolve by themselves, and everything else seems less important.
More info about Dr. Ashley can be found at www.crucialhabits.com